Cyclopia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclopia

Typically, the face is either missing or replaced with a non-functioning nose in the form of a proboscis.

Most such embryos are either naturally aborted or are stillborn upon delivery/ hatching.

Folks, this is not an article about the Cyclops, that one-eyed giant of Greek myth, as depicted above in a piece by French Symbolist painter Odilon Redon. I hated this painting the moment I first saw it years ago in an art history class, and I have continued to hate it because, frankly, it creeps me the fuck out.

Rather, this Wikipedia article is about Cyclopia—a rare birth defect of both humans and animals—and it is far, far creepier than this painting. Especially the image that the authors have chosen for the page.

So, um, don’t click on this link unless you want to see a picture of a dead human baby born with cyclopia. (Reread the block quote above.) And this is coming from someone who tosses dead baby jokes into conversation as often as god kills a kitten over someone masturbating.

You’ve been warned.

Justin Timberlake (Relationships)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Timberlake#Relationships

In the August 9–15, 2008 edition of Heat magazine, when Timberlake was asked to describe his perfect woman, he replied “About 5’7” -5’8”, nice butt, Midwestern American, kind-of-German last name, green eyes, big pouty lips, fair skin, ahhh….sinewy bod…”

Oh god. I can’t even. I just can’t.

Why am I even reading this in the first place?

The world may never know. (e.g. I’LL NEVER TELLLLL!!!)

*

Image courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

Link Rot

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Link_rot

The 404 “Not Found” response is familiar to even the occasional Web user. A number of studies have examined the prevalence of link rot on the Web, in academic literature, and in digital libraries. In a 2003 experiment, Fetterly et al. discovered that about one link out of every 200 disappeared each week from the internet.

The 404 “Not Found” response is familiar to even the occasional Web user… and so is the subsequent rage.

Autophobia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autophobia

Autophobia (from the Greek: ἀυτο, auto, “self” and φόβος, phóbos, “fear”), is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated.

Autophobia is also used in its literal context to mean an irrational fear of oneself

In a perfect world*, I’d have some sort of magic wand that I could wave to induce Autophobia in victims of my choosing. Think about it: couldn’t the world use more people who are morbidly afraid of being egotistical?

Now, now, get off your “absolute power corrupts absolutely” high-horse—I’d make great effort to use this power cautiously, judiciously, and only for the Greater Good.  It would be reserved strictly for people like violent, megalomaniacal political dictators, or the Kardashian sisters.

*for me

Image: “Self Fear” by Dominic McCann

Ettore Boiardi

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ettore_Boiardi

The patrons of Il Giardino d’Italia frequently asked for samples and recipes of his spaghetti sauce, which he often gave to customers in old milk bottles. Boiardi began to use a factory in 1928 to keep up with orders, setting his sights on selling his product nationally.

And that is how a humble immigrant boy named Boiardi from Piacenza, Italy, who loved to cook more than anything else, came to be the king of processed, mass-marketed, canned schlock.

Why… it’s Chef Boyardee, of course!

Signore Boiardi would be proud to know his face graces the packaging of the traditional Italian offerings from his eponymous line, such as the classic “Cheesy Nacho Rotini”.

America: where dreams come true!!

Images courtesy of Time.com and chefboyardee.com

Independent Order of Odd Fellows

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_Order_of_Odd_Fellows

The command of the IOOF is to “visit the sick, relieve the distressed, bury the dead and educate the orphan.”

One might expect the “people are strange” tag to be apt for a group of people deeming themselves “Odd Fellows.”

But one would unfortunately be incorrect in that assumption.

Assume, ass, you, me, etc.

Image courtesy of http://www.jacksonvilleor.us/?page_id=495

Italian Profanity

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_profanity

“VADO A BORDO, CAZZO!”

Useful information, in case you ever need to chastise an Italian captain who crashes a cruise liner full of people, and then abandons ship during the rescue effort.

Not like that ever happens.

Photo courtesy of AFP.com

Micronesia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micronesia

Micronesia is a subregion of Oceania, comprising thousands of small islands in the western Pacific Ocean. It is distinct from Melanesia to the south, and Polynesia to the east. The Philippines lie to the west, and Indonesia to the southwest.

I’m going to come right out and admit that I don’t know jack shit about geography of the Pacific Islands. Ok, maybe a little bit more than jack shit… queen shit? King shit? But nothing more than the bare minimum required to not be considered deplorably ignorant.

I at least also know where Indonesia and the Philippines are, and I’ve heard of places like Guam, but if you want anything more specific than that… I’m fucked. I’ve never traveled anywhere in that direction beyond Hawaii, and I’ve never had a good reason to bone up on my knowledge, being a typical kid raised and educated in the good ole’ U S of A.

Do not mistake my candor for indifference: my ignorance does not imply that I consider myself better than the residents of that region.

Which is more than I can say for some people.

Take this recent exchange between friends:

“You know who the ugliest people in the world are?”

“…um. Ok. Who?”

“Micronesians.”

“……………WHAT THE FUCK???! Have you even ever met any Micronesians?”

“Nope, but just do a Google Image search for ‘Micronesian people,’ and tell me they’re not the ugliest people you’ve ever seen.”

I swear to god this conversation happened. In fact, it happened in a hot tub, so we couldn’t immediately investigate this dubious claim of his (though a subsequent Google Image Search for ‘Micronesian people’ did nothing to dispel the dubiousness). I at least could address the follow-up question of “And where the fuck is Micronesia, anyway?”, having recently Wikipedia’d it for reasons I don’t remember. (I have a feeling it had something to do with figuring out where the fuck Oceania is.)

Also, I stopped watching Survivor after the second season, or else I might have known that the 16th season of the show was Survivor: Micronesia. I don’t apologize for that.

So now, at least, I’m confident I know where Micronesia is (even if I recognize only one of its constituent islands*), and I’m confident that Micronesian people are not any uglier than the rest of world, at least according to Google—who never lies, right?

What I never figured out, though, was why he was googling “Micronesian People” in the first place. I guess that will have to wait until the next drunken Palm Springs hot tub party.

With apologies to Micronesians everywhere,

Things I Wikipedia

*Banaba, an outlier of  Kiribati; Gilbert Islands, which forms part of Kiribati; Mariana Islands, politically divided between the United States territories of Guam and the  Northern Mariana Islands; Marshall Islands (United States territories)[and the one I recognize]; Caroline Islands, politically divided between Palau and the Federated States of Micronesia; Nauru; Wake Island, a United States Minor Outlying Island

Anything at All

http://en.wikipedia.org

In solidarity with today’s 24-hour Wikipedia blackout, Things I Wikipedia has decided to also black out.

(Drunk.)

VIVA EL INTERNET!!!!!!

Rosie Ruiz

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosie_Ruiz

In addition, her time of 2:31:56 was an unusual improvement, more than 25 minutes ahead of her reported time in the New York City Marathon six months earlier. When asked by a reporter why she didn’t seem fatigued after the grueling race, she said, “I got up with a lot of energy this morning.” Some female competitors thought it was odd that, when asked what she had noticed about Wellesley while running through it, she did not mention the students of Wellesley College, who traditionally loudly cheer the first women runners as they pass the campus.

I’ve never been one for “physical fitness.” (I’m what might be generously termed “phlegmatic.”) Growing up, kids always seemed stronger, faster, or better at me than everything, be it soccer or rollerblading, and it was kind of a bummer. It’s not that I didn’t try… I just, uh, didn’t try very hard.

Every 4th of July, my hometown hosts a 5K-10K race. (This is Southern California, after all.) It’s sort of a tradition for people to run the race in the morning, go to brunch, and then watch the parade. After a couple of half-hearted years of trying to keep up with my sister (a personal trainer) and my good friends (cross-country runners) in the race, I just gave up. One year, I dragged my friend Christy down to my level: we slept late, rollerbladed down into town, and snuck into the race with the rest of our friends a quarter of a mile before the finish line.

They were sweaty, exhausted, and not amused. But they still went out to brunch with us afterwards.

Now, imagine that instead of a 4th of July Fun Run, this was the Boston Marathon, and instead of saving time by rollerblading, we had jumped on the subway; and instead of joining our friends, we had actually cut in front of everyone else; and instead of joking, we were serious.

Because that is precisely what Rosie Ruiz did in 1980.

Rosie seemingly came out of nowhere to win the race in a record-shattering time, “the fastest female time in Boston Marathon history as well as the third-fastest female time ever recorded in any marathon,” and an improvement of more than 25 minutes from her previous New York Marathon time. All without visibly breaking a sweat! Or raising her heart rate! Or appearing in any race photos!

After about a week of investigating, race officials stripped Rosie of her title and awarded it to the “second place” winner, Jacqueline Gareau, whose time still ended up being a record for the course.

And Rosie?

In 1982, Ruiz was arrested for embezzling $60,000 from a real estate company where she worked. She then moved back to southern Florida, only to be arrested for her involvement in a cocaine deal. At last report, she was working in West Palm Beach as an account representative. To this day, she still maintains that she ran the entire 1980 Boston Marathon.

In other words… somewhat less awesome than brunch.

Davian Behavior

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davian_behavior

There was an old miner named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You have to admit
He hadn’t much wit
But look at the money he saved!

Davian behavior is, essentially, sex with a corpse—and is actually named after this limerick.

Are you kidding me?

Apparently not. “Davian behavior” has been observed in ground squirrels, frogs, praying mantises, and mallards. In regards to the latter:

[Dutch researcher] Moeliker surmised that at the time of the collision with the window the two mallards were engaged in a common pattern in duck behavior which is playfully called “rape flight”. “When one died the other one just went for it and didn’t get any negative feedback — well, didn’t get any feedback,” according to Moeliker. This is the first recorded case of necrophilia in the mallard duck- though not the only recorded case of homosexuality within the bird family.

Wow, let’s hope Rick Santorum doesn’t hear about that one, or we’ll never hear the end of it.

In humans, of course, this behavior is called “necrophilia,” and is classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association as a paraphilia: sexual arousal by atypical situations that “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Other paraphilias include pedophilia (kids), zoophilia (animals), and coprophilia (feces). [*Not to be confused with coprophagia or coprolalia.]

Side Note: The current paraphilia criteria also include exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadomasochism, fetishism, and transvestitism—which many (including me) would argue do not necessarily cause distress or impairment of functioning in society. And let’s not overlook the fact that homosexuality was classified as a paraphilia up until 1973.

Sigh.

Regardless… most of us can agree that having sex with a dead body is—in layman’s terms—pretty fucked up.

Necrophilia is actually broken down into  a 10-tier spectrum. According to Wikipedia, these tiers are:

  1. Role players
  2. Romantic necrophiles
  3. People having a necrophilic fantasy – necrophilic fantasizers
  4. Tactile necrophiles
  5. People having a sexual fetish for the dead – fetishistic necrophiles
  6. People having a necromutilomania – necromutilomaniacs [arousal via dissection of a corpse]
  7. Opportunistic necrophiles
  8. Regular necrophiles
  9. Homicidal necrophiles
  10. Exclusive necrophiles.

I didn’t really want to go into the specifics of these. I’m not sure my life will be enhanced by knowing what “tactile necrophilia” entails, or more about “homicidal necrophiles.”

Your kink is not my kink.

Titi [Cyrilla]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrilla_racemiflora

Cyrilla racemiflora, the sole species in the genus Cyrilla, is a flowering plant in the family Cyrillaceae… Common names include swamp cyrilla, red titi, black titi, white titi, leatherwood, ironwood, he huckleberry, and myrtle.

Equal-opportunity titis!!!

#LOL #HAHA #TITTIES

#IAMFIVEYEARSOLD

Aar

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aar

History

The river’s name may be attested to [sic] in the Gaulish (Helvetic) Berne zinc tablet which dates back to Roman Gaul. Its Roman name was Obringa.

All well and good—but did the river ever have PIRATES???!

[audience boo]

Right. Probably not… but it fucking has BEARS.

ggrrrrrraaaaaAAR!!!

[audience boo]



N.B. Alternate spelling: AARE. Useful for crossword puzzles.

Image source: http://nobeatenpath.com/2010/08/03/bern/

List of Frivolous Political Parties

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_frivolous_political_parties

Australia

Belarus

Canada

United Kingdom

Man, what I wouldn’t give to be a part of the “Party! Party! Party!” Party.

Speaking of parties… yes, G.Wash is technically wearing a birthday hat in the picture above, but let’s pretend he’s wearing a Happy New Year’s hat.

And a happy new year to you all! Thanks for following, I promise more posts in 2012, and… stay safe.

*lol

Feminine Rhyme

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminine_rhyme

A feminine rhyme is a rhyme that matches two or more syllables, usually at the end of respective lines, in which the final syllable or syllables are unstressed.

Oh like, I dunno, say… MISS NANCY / AUNT FANCY ?!!!

I can’t stop myself!!!