Things I Wikipedia

Unexplained Sounds, Part I: The Bloop, Julia, Quackers, etc.

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 18:15:00 -0700

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unexplained_sounds

Given my previous post on the robust and thoroughly-researched phenomenon of the Unexplained Boom, I can understand if you came to this post prepared for more of the same buffoonery.

Knock it off.

While the audio profile of the Bloop does resemble that of a living creature, the source is a mystery both because it is different from known sounds and because it was several times louder than the loudest recorded animal, the blue whale.

If that sentence alone doesn’t terrify you, perhaps this description of “Quackers” might:

…

…fuck. Evidently, the page has been deleted, so I missed a golden opportunity. Nice one, Wikipedia—you goosed me good! (For the record, the article was about eerie croaking sounds Soviet Russian troops allegedly heard in the waters outside their submarines that sounded as if they came from sentient marine animals who were more reactive and faster than any known machine…)

Ok, so maybe that article’s author was a quack.

[BOOOOOOOOO]

But the other sounds I’m about to reference are legitimate, documented, and even named—you can listen to them on their respective Wikipedia pages.

Sounds are constantly registered by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), an underwater surveillance system which was put in place during the Cold War and is now used for gathering scientific data: sounds from man-made things like boats and subs, natural things like earthquakes and whales, and… the unknown.

These are ultra powerful and super low-frequency sounds that scientists haven’t quite been able to puzzle out because they’re unlike anything else ever recorded. Some of them do have plausible explanations, like Slow Down (the movement of polar ice sheets?) or Upsweep (an undersea mountain previously identified as dormant?). Julia is sort of creepy, if you listen to it, but doesn’t seem to elicit much attention.

But the Bloop… oh man.

Have I told you I’m afraid of the ocean? I’m afraid of the ocean. Not the beach, dummy—I’m talking about the deepest deeps, the unfathomable fathoms, the very bottom of the fucking earth’s surface where it’s so dark it might as well be a black hole and so pressurized your body would instantaneously implode in a singularity. I mean, I’m guessing. I don’t know. Nobody knows. You know what else nobody knows?

What’s down there.

This is the type of shit that keeps me awake at night. To be fair, plenty of other types of shit keep me awake at night: doing the work I didn’t do when I was sitting around all day, Facebooking people I don’t care about, having “who can find the best picture of disgustingly humongous boobs” battles with friends via gchat, discarding 50% of the contents of my closet in a sudden, manic burst of organization, drinking more alcohol than should be humanly possible for a person my size, occasionally all of the above simultaneously… but that’s beside the point, because the point is that when compared with the percentage of things we don’t know about our world (and our universe), the percentage of things we do know is infinitesimal. Meaning, there’s potentially some really, really frightening things out there that we have no idea about because we’re incapable of seeing or detecting them. I am betting some of these things live in that part of the ocean that is still mostly a mystery to us: things that are ancient, gigantic, and shit-your-pants terrifying. Maybe the kind of thing that moves around from time to time and makes a noise like the Bloop.

You knew I’d get back to it, right? Read this [ancient, poorly-written and/or translated] CNN article and report back: http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/06/13/bloop/

So there may potentially be some Kraken-type things lurking in the ocean. Does that mean we should actively worry about them? Probably not. I mean, I saw Cloverfield on a plane home from China, but even though I was sick, sleepless, and slightly delirious, I still thought it was a shitty movie. The chances of Manhattan, or any city, being attacked by a massive sea monster are pretty slim.

Then again…

CTHULHU.

P.S. Shoutout to BloopWatch (who is also on Tumblr)

Unexplained Boom

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 15:21:30 -0700

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unexplained_boom

An unexplained boom is a very loud noise similar to a sonic boom created by the supersonic flight of an aircraft. However these booms are unexplained for various reasons - for instance because no supersonic flight was scheduled at the time the boom was heard.

Media in the US reported several unexplained booms. This phenomenon is rarely reported outside the US.

“This section requires expansion?” No shit. Unexplained, indeed.

And that, folks, is your Helpful Information of the Day, brought to you by Wikipedia!

The more you know…

Disorderly House

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 17:02:40 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disorderly_house

In English criminal law a disorderly house is a house in which the conduct of its inhabitants is such as to become a public nuisance, or outrages public decency, or tends to corrupt or deprave, or injures the public interest; or a house where persons congregate to the probable disturbance of the public peace or other commission of crime. Brothels may be dealt with under statutory offences under sections 33 to 36 of the Sexual Offences Act.

When I saw this phrase in print a few weeks ago, I was both confused and amused (conmused? anfused?). The reference popped up in an recent LA Times article about LAPD’s finest busting a few massage parlors that offered extra special happy endings (if you know what I mean *wink* *wink* *sex*). Here’s the sentence in question:

“South Pasadena police arrested Massage Villa owner Ling Ling Kuo, 44, of Alhambra on Feb. 10 on suspicion of operating a disorderly house.”

Now, despite what you might have heard, I’m not an idiot. I understood what was meant by the phrase in this context. However, it made me imagine a housewife getting arrested for keeping a messy home, and it made me chuckle.

Then I realized that given how messy I am, if that were truly the definition, I am guilty of operate my own disorderly house, and I should already be in jail. And I stopped chuckling.

Now, though, upon reading the Wiki article, and seeing that it refers more to a home that “outrages public decency, or tends to corrupt or deprave…”

…I’m even guiltier than before.

And I LOVE IT

War Games

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 14:48:46 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_exercise

A military exercise (also called war game in American English) is the employment of military resources in training for military operations, either exploring the effects of warfare or testing strategies without actual combat.

The phrase “war games” has always confused me. War is a pretty terrible thing—doesn’t seem like there’s much fun in it at all. It would be so much more appropriate if it referred to real games—as in, those you play. Such as:

Duck-Duck-Grenade
Pin the Blame on the Inferior Officer
Zero Fingers (aka Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell)
Silence or Dare (aka, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell)
Hide-and-Go-Seek-and-Destroy
Security Checkers
Commanding Officer, May I? Sir?
Presidential Airspace Invaders
Follow the Leader’s Orders
I Spy and Will be Prosecuted For It
Dodge Bullet [
Super Mario Band of Brothers
Shoots & Ladders
Crossfirewords
Cowboys & Insurgents
Dead

Oh wait, they made a movie about it, sort of! With Matthew Broderick, no less!

Also, according to the internet, here are some standard military exercise routines in South Korea. (You’re welcome in advance.)

Beard

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 17:54:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beard

In Greco-Roman antiquity the beard was “seen as the defining characteristic of the philosopher; philosophers had to have beards, and anyone with a beard was assumed to be a philosopher.”

Epictetus saw his beard as an integral part of his identity and held that he would rather be executed than submit to any force demanding he remove it.

Beards are serious shit.

I have just finished creating a Facebook Fan Page for my brother’s beard. This… thing… has been growing since November of last year, a Movember challenge that spun thrillingly, awesomely out of control.

Not usually one to sport facial hair beyond the occasional dance with sideburns, my brother (he of the fair skin and hearty, hard-drinking Irish stock) has now cultivated a veritable forest of luscious red facial hair. To call it a “beard” is really a misnomer, and doesn’t do justice to the fact that it is an ever-expanding fusion of beard, mustache, and sideburns that has managed to now reach the (brown) hair of his head. If he keeps it growing—and I strongly advocate that he does—I predict his entire face will be covered by a unified, two-tone mass of hair. Forget neckbeard: this is headbeard.

I suspect it will look something like this:

or, god willing, this:

Actually, never mind. I don’t want to see that.

Gyp

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:52:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gyp

Gyp may refer to:

A cheat or swindle

“Gyp” doesn’t really have a Wikipedia entry, only a disambiguation page. The above definition is what I was searching for initially.

Now, to be fair, Wikipedia didn’t know that I wasn’t searching for the writer Sibylle Gabrielle Marie Antoinette Riqueti de Mirabeau (1849-1932), aka Gyp, or the rock Gypsum, or gangster Harry Horowitz, aka Gyp the Blood. Whose details I am more than happy to add to my repertoire of useless knowledge.

The issue at hand, though, was the etymology of the word “gyp.” Earlier today, I texted a friend that “I’m conflicted because I don’t want to gyp them, but I also don’t want to royally dick myself over in the process.” (in re: my fees. Because, if you have to ask, bitch, you can’t afford me!)

My phone refused to recognize my Swype pattern of G-Y-P as a valid word while I was composing the text. Now, this isn’t indicative of anything, really: this phone also consistently autocorrects “phone” to “poutine,” “better” to “beyer,” and suggests words like “isac,” “trev,” “nieves,” “nyers,” and “devel.” (Fuck you, Droid!) However, I felt a momentary panic about whether I was spelling the word right—did it start with a J? I was reminded of my continual anxiety about the word “gibberish.” Or is it “jibberish?” I’ve never actually looked it up.

* Note to self: do that.

A quick Google search proved that my instincts were correct. But it got me thinking as to where the hell this word came from in the first place.

So, the fact that Wikipedia doesn’t actually have an entry for the word itself was kind of a downer. On the upside, I got to read about cheating and confidence games (which I already knew quite a bit about, given I wrote a research paper in college about the book “Confidence Men and Painted Women: A Study of Middle-class Culture in America), and also had the pleasure of being reminded of the Simpsons episode where Homer and Bart become grifters.

For those who have followed this rambling post, and are still interested in the origin of the word gyp, enlightenment can be gained via Dictionary.com, who lists the etymology of gyp as “to cheat, swindle; probably short for Gypsy.”

Those damn Gypsies, always trying to score a buck? (/Lira/Euro/etc.)

RACISTS (And Other Stories)

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 10:48:58 -0800

This fellow named Seuss, not a surgeon was he
Yet he still could sense sickness, I think you’ll agree
Corruption and malice, oppression and greed—
He found people’s wrongdoings grievous, indeed.

While pondering this, the Doc had to admit
That he did not like it. Not one little bit.
Thus driven, he did what he figured was best:
He’d tell a few tales, and let us do the rest.

All his books—they were popular! Flew off the shelves!
For in all of his characters, we saw ourselves
And although he sleeps soundly now, deep in his grave
I still thank him for teaching me how to behave.

(Ed. Note: Not actually a Wikipedia post, but I wanted to share this anyway.)

Wonderlic Test

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 17:08:57 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonderlic_Test

While an average football player usually scores around 20 points, Wonderlic, Inc. claims a score of at least 10 points suggests a person is literate.

On the other hand, some well-known players have scored low on the test. Dan Marino scored a 16 and Vince Young also scored a 16 on the test his second try, after sources confirmed his previously reported score of six to be erroneous.

Vince Young’s score of 6 was “confirmed” as erroneous by the people that drafted him. Interesting.

These are the things I learn by watching the Superbowl with my buddies!

Cyclopia

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:26:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclopia

Typically, the face is either missing or replaced with a non-functioning nose in the form of a proboscis.

Most such embryos are either naturally aborted or are stillborn upon delivery/ hatching.

Folks, this is not an article about the Cyclops, that one-eyed giant of Greek myth, as depicted above in a piece by French Symbolist painter Odilon Redon. I hated this painting the moment I first saw it years ago in an art history class, and I have continued to hate it because, frankly, it creeps me the fuck out.

Rather, this Wikipedia article is about Cyclopia—a rare birth defect of both humans and animals—and it is far, far creepier than this painting. Especially the image that the authors have chosen for the page.

So, um, don’t click on this link unless you want to see a picture of a dead human baby born with cyclopia. (Reread the block quote above.) And this is coming from someone who tosses dead baby jokes into conversation as often as god kills a kitten over someone masturbating.

You’ve been warned.

Justin Timberlake (Relationships)

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 14:29:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Timberlake#Relationships

In the August 9–15, 2008 edition of Heat magazine, when Timberlake was asked to describe his perfect woman, he replied “About 5’7” -5’8”, nice butt, Midwestern American, kind-of-German last name, green eyes, big pouty lips, fair skin, ahhh….sinewy bod…”

Oh god. I can’t even. I just can’t.

Why am I even reading this in the first place?

The world may never know. (e.g. I’LL NEVER TELLLLL!!!)

Image courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

Link Rot

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:33:06 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Link_rot

The 404 “Not Found” response is familiar to even the occasional Web user. A number of studies have examined the prevalence of link rot on the Web, in academic literature, and in digital libraries. In a 2003 experiment, Fetterly et al. discovered that about one link out of every 200 disappeared each week from the internet.

The 404 “Not Found” response is familiar to even the occasional Web user… and so is the subsequent rage.

Autophobia

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 13:56:50 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autophobia

Autophobia (from the Greek: ἀυτο, auto, “self” and φόβος, phóbos, “fear”), is the specific phobia of isolation; a morbid fear of being egotistical, or a dread of being alone or isolated.

Autophobia is also used in its literal context to mean an irrational fear of oneself

In a perfect world*, I’d have some sort of magic wand that I could wave to induce Autophobia in victims of my choosing. Think about it: couldn’t the world use more people who are morbidly afraid of being egotistical?

Now, now, get off your “absolute power corrupts absolutely” high-horse—I’d make great effort to use this power cautiously, judiciously, and only for the Greater Good. It would be reserved strictly for people like violent, megalomaniacal political dictators, or the Kardashian sisters.

*for me

Image: “Self Fear” by Dominic McCann

Ettore Boiardi

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:33:48 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ettore_Boiardi

The patrons of Il Giardino d’Italia frequently asked for samples and recipes of his spaghetti sauce, which he often gave to customers in old milk bottles. Boiardi began to use a factory in 1928 to keep up with orders, setting his sights on selling his product nationally.

And that is how a humble immigrant boy named Boiardi from Piacenza, Italy, who loved to cook more than anything else, came to be the king of processed, mass-marketed, canned schlock.

Why… it’s Chef Boyardee, of course!

Signore Boiardi would be proud to know his face graces the packaging of the traditional Italian offerings from his eponymous line, such as the classic “Cheesy Nacho Rotini”.

America: where dreams come true!!

Images courtesy of Time.com and chefboyardee.com

Independent Order of Odd Fellows

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:17:05 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_Order_of_Odd_Fellows

The command of the IOOF is to “visit the sick, relieve the distressed, bury the dead and educate the orphan.”

One might expect the “people are strange” tag to be apt for a group of people deeming themselves “Odd Fellows.”

But one would unfortunately be incorrect in that assumption.

Assume, ass, you, me, etc.

Image courtesy of http://www.jacksonvilleor.us/?page_id=495

Italian Profanity

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:51:54 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_profanity

“VADO A BORDO, CAZZO!”

Useful information, in case you ever need to chastise an Italian captain who crashes a cruise liner full of people, and then abandons ship during the rescue effort.

Not like that ever happens.

Photo courtesy of AFP.com

Micronesia

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:47:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micronesia

Micronesia is a subregion of Oceania, comprising thousands of small islands in the western Pacific Ocean. It is distinct from Melanesia to the south, and Polynesia to the east. The Philippines lie to the west, and Indonesia to the southwest.

I’m going to come right out and admit that I don’t know jack shit about geography of the Pacific Islands. Ok, maybe a little bit more than jack shit… queen shit? King shit? But nothing more than the bare minimum required to not be considered deplorably ignorant.

I at least also know where Indonesia and the Philippines are, and I’ve heard of places like Guam, but if you want anything more specific than that… I’m fucked. I’ve never traveled anywhere in that direction beyond Hawaii, and I’ve never had a good reason to bone up on my knowledge, being a typical kid raised and educated in the good ole’ U S of A.

Do not mistake my candor for indifference: my ignorance does not imply that I consider myself better than the residents of that region.

Which is more than I can say for some people.

Take this recent exchange between friends:

“You know who the ugliest people in the world are?”

“…um. Ok. Who?”

“Micronesians.”

“……………WHAT THE FUCK???! Have you even ever met any Micronesians?”

“Nope, but just do a Google Image search for ‘Micronesian people,’ and tell me they’re not the ugliest people you’ve ever seen.”

I swear to god this conversation happened. In fact, it happened in a hot tub, so we couldn’t immediately investigate this dubious claim of his (though a subsequent Google Image Search for ‘Micronesian people’ did nothing to dispel the dubiousness). I at least could address the follow-up question of “And where the fuck is Micronesia, anyway?”, having recently Wikipedia’d it for reasons I don’t remember. (I have a feeling it had something to do with figuring out where the fuck Oceania is.)

Also, I stopped watching Survivor after the second season, or else I might have known that the 16th season of the show was Survivor: Micronesia. I don’t apologize for that.

So now, at least, I’m confident I know where Micronesia is (even if I recognize only one of its constituent islands*), and I’m confident that Micronesian people are not any uglier than the rest of world, at least according to Google—who never lies, right?

What I never figured out, though, was why he was googling “Micronesian People” in the first place. I guess that will have to wait until the next drunken Palm Springs hot tub party.

With apologies to Micronesians everywhere,

Things I Wikipedia

*Banaba, an outlier of Kiribati; Gilbert Islands, which forms part of Kiribati; Mariana Islands, politically divided between the United States territories of Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands; Marshall Islands (United States territories)[and the one I recognize]; Caroline Islands, politically divided between Palau and the Federated States of Micronesia; Nauru; Wake Island, a United States Minor Outlying Island

Anything at All

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:01:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org

In solidarity with today’s 24-hour Wikipedia blackout, Things I Wikipedia has decided to also black out.

(Drunk.)

VIVA EL INTERNET!!!!!!

Rosie Ruiz

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 14:03:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosie_Ruiz

In addition, her time of 2:31:56 was an unusual improvement, more than 25 minutes ahead of her reported time in the New York City Marathon six months earlier. When asked by a reporter why she didn’t seem fatigued after the grueling race, she said, “I got up with a lot of energy this morning.” Some female competitors thought it was odd that, when asked what she had noticed about Wellesley while running through it, she did not mention the students of Wellesley College, who traditionally loudly cheer the first women runners as they pass the campus.

I’ve never been one for “physical fitness.” (I’m what might be generously termed “phlegmatic.”) Growing up, kids always seemed stronger, faster, or better at me than everything, be it soccer or rollerblading, and it was kind of a bummer. It’s not that I didn’t try… I just, uh, didn’t try very hard.

Every 4th of July, my hometown hosts a 5K-10K race. (This is Southern California, after all.) It’s sort of a tradition for people to run the race in the morning, go to brunch, and then watch the parade. After a couple of half-hearted years of trying to keep up with my sister (a personal trainer) and my good friends (cross-country runners) in the race, I just gave up. One year, I dragged my friend Christy down to my level: we slept late, rollerbladed down into town, and snuck into the race with the rest of our friends a quarter of a mile before the finish line.

They were sweaty, exhausted, and not amused. But they still went out to brunch with us afterwards.

Now, imagine that instead of a 4th of July Fun Run, this was the Boston Marathon, and instead of saving time by rollerblading, we had jumped on the subway; and instead of joining our friends, we had actually cut in front of everyone else; and instead of joking, we were serious.

Because that is precisely what Rosie Ruiz did in 1980.

Rosie seemingly came out of nowhere to win the race in a record-shattering time, “the fastest female time in Boston Marathon history as well as the third-fastest female time ever recorded in any marathon,” and an improvement of more than 25 minutes from her previous New York Marathon time. All without visibly breaking a sweat! Or raising her heart rate! Or appearing in any race photos!

After about a week of investigating, race officials stripped Rosie of her title and awarded it to the “second place” winner, Jacqueline Gareau, whose time still ended up being a record for the course.

And Rosie?

In 1982, Ruiz was arrested for embezzling $60,000 from a real estate company where she worked. She then moved back to southern Florida, only to be arrested for her involvement in a cocaine deal. At last report, she was working in West Palm Beach as an account representative. To this day, she still maintains that she ran the entire 1980 Boston Marathon.

In other words… somewhat less awesome than brunch.

Davian Behavior

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 14:38:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davian_behavior

There was an old miner named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You have to admit
He hadn’t much wit
But look at the money he saved!

Davian behavior is, essentially, sex with a corpse—and is actually named after this limerick.

Are you kidding me?

Apparently not. “Davian behavior” has been observed in ground squirrels, frogs, praying mantises, and mallards. In regards to the latter:

[Dutch researcher] Moeliker surmised that at the time of the collision with the window the two mallards were engaged in a common pattern in duck behavior which is playfully called “rape flight”. “When one died the other one just went for it and didn’t get any negative feedback — well, didn’t get any feedback,” according to Moeliker. This is the first recorded case of necrophilia in the mallard duck- though not the only recorded case of homosexuality within the bird family.

Wow, let’s hope Rick Santorum doesn’t hear about that one, or we’ll never hear the end of it.

In humans, of course, this behavior is called “necrophilia,” and is classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association as a paraphilia: sexual arousal by atypical situations that “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Other paraphilias include pedophilia (kids), zoophilia (animals), and coprophilia (feces). [*Not to be confused with coprophagia or coprolalia.]

Side Note: The current paraphilia criteria also include exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadomasochism, fetishism, and transvestitism—which many (including me) would argue do not necessarily cause distress or impairment of functioning in society. And let’s not overlook the fact that homosexuality was classified as a paraphilia up until 1973.

Sigh.

Regardless… most of us can agree that having sex with a dead body is—in layman’s terms—pretty fucked up.

Necrophilia is actually broken down into a 10-tier spectrum. According to Wikipedia, these tiers are:

Role players

Romantic necrophiles

People having a necrophilic fantasy – necrophilic fantasizers

Tactile necrophiles

People having a sexual fetish for the dead – fetishistic necrophiles

People having a necromutilomania – necromutilomaniacs [arousal via dissection of a corpse]

Opportunistic necrophiles

Regular necrophiles

Homicidal necrophiles

Exclusive necrophiles.

I didn’t really want to go into the specifics of these. I’m not sure my life will be enhanced by knowing what “tactile necrophilia” entails, or more about “homicidal necrophiles.”

Your kink is not my kink.

Titi [Cyrilla]

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:11:00 -0800

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrilla_racemiflora

Cyrilla racemiflora, the sole species in the genus Cyrilla, is a flowering plant in the family Cyrillaceae… Common names include swamp cyrilla, red titi, black titi, white titi, leatherwood, ironwood, he huckleberry, and myrtle.

Equal-opportunity titis!!!

#LOL #HAHA #TITTIES

#IAMFIVEYEARSOLD