Things I Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ettore_Boiardi

The patrons of Il Giardino d’Italia frequently asked for samples and recipes of his spaghetti sauce, which he often gave to customers in old milk bottles. Boiardi began to use a factory in 1928 to keep up with orders, setting his sights on selling his product nationally.

And that is how a humble immigrant boy named Boiardi from Piacenza, Italy, who loved to cook more than anything else, came to be the king of processed, mass-marketed, canned schlock.

Why… it’s Chef Boyardee, of course!

Signore Boiardi would be proud to know his face graces the packaging of the traditional Italian offerings from his eponymous line, such as the classic “Cheesy Nacho Rotini”.

America: where dreams come true!!

Images courtesy of Time.com and chefboyardee.com

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminine_rhyme

A feminine rhyme is a rhyme that matches two or more syllables, usually at the end of respective lines, in which the final syllable or syllables are unstressed.

Oh like, I dunno, say… MISS NANCY / AUNT FANCY ?!!!

I can’t stop myself!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sierra_Mist#History

Following initial test marketing, PepsiCo first introduced Sierra Mist in 2000, replacing similar soft drinks such as lemon-lime Slice and the test-marketed Storm.

I’m more of a Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper person these days [read: I have a serious addiction and need help], but back in the days of yore before dependency, lemon-lime soda was an occasional special treat that I’d enjoy out at rare excursion to a restaurant, at Disneyland, etc.

While perusing the soft drink aisle in my latest bender-driven shopping trip, I had an epiphany and realized I felt more like drinking something that wasn’t laced with aspartame and caffeine. Blame it on dehydration. (The L.A. heat is getting to me.) While reaching for the Perrier, Sierra Mist caught my eye, and I was suddenly hit with a vague emotional reaction that bordered on… anger? Disdain? Contempt?

Of all the things I could have gotten emotional about that day (and believe me, there were many)…why would it be a soda?

I had to get to the root of it. After I paid for the Perrier and commenced rehydration, I investigated.

And now it’s clear. I remember the hierarchy of lemon-lime sodas from the aforementioned soda habits of my youth: the holy trinity of Sprite, Slice, and 7-Up. 7-Up was the quirky oddball, not usually available in dining establishments, but always the one my mother bought for home. Sprite might have been the King, the ubiquitous public option, but it was more of a catchall standard order at a restaurant. If you ordered a Sprite, the waitress would ask apologetically, “We’ve only got Slice; is that ok?” (AKA, “We’ve only got Pepsi” for ordering a “Coke.”) Now, Slice might have been the also-ran to Sprite, BUT—it really didn’t matter to me which of the three I got. I just wanted the flavor profile I had associated with the excitement of going out and doing something fun. 

But in 2000, Sierra Mist replaced Slice. And… whoa. Suddenly the Powers that Be (PepsiCo) had arbitrarily stepped in and said, “Hey! Let us tell you what you’ll like. Here’s a NEW COOL THING that is TOTALLY COOL and looks totally different from the old thing but is WAY BETTER than the old thing and now you TOTALLY want to buy it! Forget the old one, this is NEW and IMPROVED!” OK. 7-Up, Sprite, and… Sierra Mist? OH HELL NO. My world was rocked. And I’ll be fucked if I let someone ruin the superficial, structured understanding of the world that I’ve constructed to serve as a metaphor for emotional stability in my life. Down with change!

Fuck you, Pepsi, I won’t do what you tell me!!!!!!!

The Sierra Mist debacle is the first time I can actively remember becoming aware of being susceptible to pernicious whims of advertising execs, of struggling with identity through the psychological connection with consumer products. It made me reevalutate the things I had come to rely on in my life for comfort, and opened the doors to the great existential angst of finding yourself. Heavy stuff.

And now, I’m going to keep drinking my Diet Coke while I play with my Motorola Droid.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_dusting

the misleading marketing practice of including a minuscule amount of an active ingredient in a cosmetic, cosmeceutical, dietary supplement, food product, or nutraceutical, insufficient to cause any measurable benefit… However, no claim is made that the product contains enough of the active ingredient to have an effect – this is just assumed by the purchaser. Thus, while misleading, angel dusting is typically legal.

As opposed to angel dust-ing, which is… not.

*Baked with Real Fruit!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectified

Blackberry User: “Wait a sec, I totally know who he is. He was in Objectified, that awesome movie I saw at a screening with [name redacted]. It’s all about modern product design. Totally cool.

Android User: Hmm, not familiar with it, but that totally makes sense that Jony Ivey would be featured in it.

BU: It’s done by the same guy who did that film about the font Helvetica. Don’t remember what that’s called, though.

AU: I am familiar with that one. I believe it’s called…Helvetica.

BU: *facepalm*

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A quick IMDB search vindicates BU—Mr. Ivey makes a prominent Cameo. The film is great, by the way, and I recommend you check it out. And yes, it’s on Netflix, you lazy bums.

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What’s going on here?

Follow the rabbit trail!

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Ive

Scene: The Bar. Over good beers.

Android User, checking Twitter feed: “Hmm, this guy just said something about Jony Ive, but didn’t @ reply him. The guy’s GOT to have a Twitter account.”

Blackberry User: “Who?”

AU: “Oh come on. Apple? Main designer? Responsible for their whole modern aesthetic? Jobs can basically never fire him, because he’s so important to the company. He’s probably more important than Jobs. I wonder what his actual title is…”

——

Senior Vice President of Industrial Design, in fact. Designated “world’s smartest designer” by Fortune Magazine and “most influential Briton in America” by The Daily Telegraph. Not to mention CBE, “Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.” Also a sexy, sexy man, apparently. Image is pilfered from Fuck Yeah Jony Ivey, if you’re into that.

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What’s going on here?

Follow the rabbit trail!

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cap%27n_Crunch

Wherefore this Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch? Brought to you from the fingers of Jay Ward, creator of the notorious characters of Rocky & Bullwinkle, among others.

Also given the worst nutritional score of any cereal marketed to children and families in a 2009 study by the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale.

Does a body good!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BP

Who are these bastards, anyway?

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All shenanigans aside, here are ways you can help the Gulf Coast while sitting on your ass in front of your computer with your credit card in your pocket. It’s the least you can do.

Help provide the families in the Gulf with emergency assistance (food, rent, etc.) with United Way: http://www.unitedway.org/gulfrecovery

Help find and save the wildlife covered in oil, and recover the ecosystem that sustains them with The National Wildlife Federation: http://www.nwf.org/

Help the long-term recover of the Gulf’s natural habitats with The Nature Conservancy: http://www.nature.org/wherewework/northamerica/gulfofmexico/

We all live on this planet.