Things I Wikipedia

There was an old miner named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You have to admit
He hadn’t much wit
But look at the money he saved!

Davian behavior is, essentially, sex with a corpse—and is actually named after this limerick.

Are you kidding me?

Apparently not. “Davian behavior” has been observed in ground squirrels, frogs, praying mantises, and mallards. In regards to the latter:

[Dutch researcher] Moeliker surmised that at the time of the collision with the window the two mallards were engaged in a common pattern in duck behavior which is playfully called “rape flight”. “When one died the other one just went for it and didn’t get any negative feedback — well, didn’t get any feedback,” according to Moeliker. This is the first recorded case of necrophilia in the mallard duck- though not the only recorded case of homosexuality within the bird family.

Wow, let’s hope Rick Santorum doesn’t hear about that one, or we’ll never hear the end of it.

In humans, of course, this behavior is called “necrophilia,” and is classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association as a paraphilia: sexual arousal by atypical situations that “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Other paraphilias include pedophilia (kids), zoophilia (animals), and coprophilia (feces). [*Not to be confused with coprophagia or coprolalia.]

Side Note: The current paraphilia criteria also include exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadomasochism, fetishism, and transvestitism—which many (including me) would argue do not necessarily cause distress or impairment of functioning in society. And let’s not overlook the fact that homosexuality was classified as a paraphilia up until 1973.

Sigh.

Regardless… most of us can agree that having sex with a dead body is—in layman’s terms—pretty fucked up.

Necrophilia is actually broken down into a 10-tier spectrum. According to Wikipedia, these tiers are:

Role players

Romantic necrophiles

People having a necrophilic fantasy – necrophilic fantasizers

Tactile necrophiles

People having a sexual fetish for the dead – fetishistic necrophiles

People having a necromutilomania – necromutilomaniacs [arousal via dissection of a corpse]

Opportunistic necrophiles

Regular necrophiles

Homicidal necrophiles

Exclusive necrophiles.

I didn’t really want to go into the specifics of these. I’m not sure my life will be enhanced by knowing what “tactile necrophilia” entails, or more about “homicidal necrophiles.”

Your kink is not my kink.

Tagged: death. sex. disturbing. you're kidding me.

Nov 28

Biography Time!

I am inordinately fascinated by other people. *

That doesn’t mean I like them. I’m just driven by an obsessive interest in how other people live: how they fill their hours, what scandals and drama weigh them down, what lifts their hearts up, what they eat for breakfast. Whether or not they’re gay, aggressively gay, closeted gay, or somewhere in the middle. I’m the kind of person who will look through your medicine cabinets not because I’m trying to find anything scandalous, but because I’m curious as to how you organize your toiletries. Because maybe there’s a better way out there that I’m unaware of. Or maybe I’d like to assess precisely how anal you are. Or maybe I’m going to find your Valtrex and blackmail you.

No, seriously, I don’t give a shit about your Valtrex. I’m more interested in banal details like whether or not your Q-Tips are accessible.

This warped obsession with human details means I spend more time than I should reading about other people. As soon as I start in on an article, everything falls apart. Do I know who this guy is? Ok, but do I *really* know who he is? Of course not. What other movies has he been in? How’d he get famous in the first place? What’s his real name? Ooh, there’s mention of an ex-wife… what’s her name? What’s her story? Who wrote this article, anyway—what’s his deal? And so on. And once I’m balls-deep in Wikipediaty, there’s no stopping me. Links lead to other links that lead to other links and so on and so forth for hours and hours… staring at my computer screen until my head feels like it’s going to explode.

That thing people say about curiosity killing the cat? Substitute “cat” with “productivity,” and you’re spot on.

Recent Biographical Wikipedia Articles I Have Accessed:

J. Edgar Hoover : “[historian David K. Johnson] views Rosenstiel as a liar who was paid for her story, whose ‘description of Hoover in drag engaging in sex with young blond boys in leather while desecrating the Bible is clearly a homophobic fantasy.’”

Sandra Bernhard (Quote): “My father was a proctologist and my mother was an abstract artist, so that’s how I view the world.”

Tupac Shakur : “Shakur’s body was cremated and some of his ashes were later mixed with marijuana and smoked by members of the Outlawz.”

Wyclef Jean : “Although his birth date was widely given as October 17, 1972, papers filed for his run as a candidate for the presidency of Haiti, disclosed that he was, in fact, born in 1969.”

Avril Lavigne (Quote): “I won’t wear skanky clothes that show my booty, my belly or my boobs. I have a great body.”

Coen Brothers : “Joel then spent four years in the undergraduate film program at New York University where he made a 30-minute thesis film called Soundings. The film depicted a woman engaged in sex with her deaf boyfriend while verbally fantasizing about having sex with her boyfriend’s best friend, who is listening in the next room. Ethan went on to Princeton University and earned an undergraduate degree in philosophy in 1979.His senior thesis was a 41-page essay, ‘Two Views of Wittgenstein’s Later Philosophy’.”

Prahlad Jani : “After fifteen days of observation during which he reportedly did not eat, drink or go to the toilet, all medical tests on Jani were reported as normal and researchers described him as being in better health than someone half his age. The doctors reported that although the amount of liquid in Jani’s bladder fluctuated and that Jani appeared ‘able to generate urine in his bladder’, he did not pass urine.”

Otto Van Bismarck (Quote): “One day the great European War will come out of some damned foolish thing in the Balkans.”

Alia Shawkat : “In October 2009, it was announced that Shawkat, Har Mar, and fellow Whip It co-star Page would produce and write a show for HBO called ‘Stitch N’ Bitch.’”

Carl Sandburg : “In Neshaminy School District of lower Bucks County resides the secondary institution Carl Sandburg Middle School. Located in the lobby is a finished split tree trunk with the quote engraved lengthwise horizontally: MAN IS BORN WITH RAINBOWS IN HIS HEART AND YOU’LL NEVER READ HIM UNLESS YOU CONSIDER RAINBOWS”

Kemp Muhl : “She is dating Sean Lennon, with whom she is involved in a musical project, titled ‘The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger’.”

Aimee Crocker : “The breakup of Aimée’s first marriage became a national scandal. Porter and his brother, Sydney, kidnapped daughter Gladys in Los Angeles, while Aimée and her mother attended a wedding. Charges and countercharges made daily news during the custody battle, and courthouse proceedings attracted a crowd of hundreds. In spite of Porter’s reputation as a notorious gambler, in spite of his kidnapping charge and a weapons charge, and in spite of the Crocker millions, the little girl’s mother would not be awarded custody. Aimée, it seems, had the worse reputation.”

Lotta Crabtree : “Lotta’s mother served as her manager and collected all of Lotta’s earnings in gold, carrying it in a large leather bag. When this became too heavy, it was transferred to a steamer trunk.”

Bernie Ecclestone : “He was then married to Slavica Ecclestone (née Slavica Radić) for almost 25 years. Radić was born in the town of Rijeka in Croatia in the Federal People’s Republic of Yugoslavia in 1958. She is a 6’2” (1.88 m) former Armani model who is 28 years his junior, and 11.5 inches (29 cm) taller than her husband.”

Roseanne Barr : “At 16, Barr was hit by a car that left her with a traumatic brain injury. Her behavior changed so radically that she was institutionalized for eight months at Utah State Hospital.”

Vladimir Nabokov : “During the 1940s, as a research fellow in zoology, he was responsible for organizing the butterfly collection of the Museum of Comparative Zoology at Harvard University.”

Lash LaRue: “A role as the villain in a pornographic western, Hard on the Trail, led him to repentance as a missionary for ten years, as he had not been informed of the adult nature of the film and would not have consented to appear in the film.”

* Not necessarily by Justin Bieber.

Tagged: actors. people. music. movies. history lesson. fashion. laughs. gay gay gay. death. politics. literature. TV. sex. bodily functions. people are strange. religion.

Jul 04

Penis Panic (Koro)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_panic

[DSM-IV-TR] gives koro’s definition as “a term, probably of Malaysian origin, that refers to an episode of sudden and intense anxiety that the penis (or, in females, the vulva and nipples) will recede into the body and possibly cause death.”

…in general, Asians with complaints of genital retraction believe that the condition is fatal, unlike most Westerners.

Extreme Shrinkage? Oh come now. Let your Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy guide you—Don’t Panic!

To be fair, though, I’d probably rather die than have an innie penis.

Also, this: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-april-28-2008/penis-theft-panic-update

Tagged: biology. laughs. sex. you're kidding me. Asia. death. psychology. terminology. awesome. riddle me this.

Dec 12

Microwave-Related Injury (Baby Injuries)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microwave-related_injury#Baby_injuries

There have been two alleged infant deaths caused by microwave ovens. In both cases, the babies were placed within microwaves and died of subsequent injuries.

That’s because babies are stupid, and if they don’t die in microwave-related injuries first, they grow up to be stupid adults who need WARNING: FOR BEST RESULTS, DO NOT PUT BABY IN MICROWAVE labels on their offspring.

After all, it’s just common sense. They turn out so much better when you use the toaster oven.

Image by Gregor Richards and swiped from http://donotputthebaby.com

Tagged: technology. death. accidents. children.

Oct 25

Man-Eating Tree

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man-eating_tree

In his 1955 book, Salamanders and other Wonders, science author Willy Ley determined that the Mkodo tribe, Carl Liche, and the Madagascar man-eating tree itself all appeared to be fabrications.

OM NOM NOM