Things I Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micronesia

Micronesia is a subregion of Oceania, comprising thousands of small islands in the western Pacific Ocean. It is distinct from Melanesia to the south, and Polynesia to the east. The Philippines lie to the west, and Indonesia to the southwest.

I’m going to come right out and admit that I don’t know jack shit about geography of the Pacific Islands. Ok, maybe a little bit more than jack shit… queen shit? King shit? But nothing more than the bare minimum required to not be considered deplorably ignorant.

I at least also know where Indonesia and the Philippines are, and I’ve heard of places like Guam, but if you want anything more specific than that… I’m fucked. I’ve never traveled anywhere in that direction beyond Hawaii, and I’ve never had a good reason to bone up on my knowledge, being a typical kid raised and educated in the good ole’ U S of A.

Do not mistake my candor for indifference: my ignorance does not imply that I consider myself better than the residents of that region.

Which is more than I can say for some people.

Take this recent exchange between friends:

“You know who the ugliest people in the world are?”

“…um. Ok. Who?”

“Micronesians.”

“……………WHAT THE FUCK???! Have you even ever met any Micronesians?”

“Nope, but just do a Google Image search for ‘Micronesian people,’ and tell me they’re not the ugliest people you’ve ever seen.”

I swear to god this conversation happened. In fact, it happened in a hot tub, so we couldn’t immediately investigate this dubious claim of his (though a subsequent Google Image Search for ‘Micronesian people’ did nothing to dispel the dubiousness). I at least could address the follow-up question of “And where the fuck is Micronesia, anyway?”, having recently Wikipedia’d it for reasons I don’t remember. (I have a feeling it had something to do with figuring out where the fuck Oceania is.)

Also, I stopped watching Survivor after the second season, or else I might have known that the 16th season of the show was Survivor: Micronesia. I don’t apologize for that.

So now, at least, I’m confident I know where Micronesia is (even if I recognize only one of its constituent islands*), and I’m confident that Micronesian people are not any uglier than the rest of world, at least according to Google—who never lies, right?

What I never figured out, though, was why he was googling “Micronesian People” in the first place. I guess that will have to wait until the next drunken Palm Springs hot tub party.

With apologies to Micronesians everywhere,

Things I Wikipedia

*Banaba, an outlier of  Kiribati; Gilbert Islands, which forms part of Kiribati; Mariana Islands, politically divided between the United States territories of Guam and the  Northern Mariana Islands; Marshall Islands (United States territories)[and the one I recognize]; Caroline Islands, politically divided between Palau and the Federated States of Micronesia; Nauru; Wake Island, a United States Minor Outlying Island

http://www.wikihow.com/Apologize

If you have a difficult time making amends for mistakes or repairing the effects of angry words, here’s how to keep your dignity while being humble, and invite forgiveness with grace. If this person ever meant anything to you or had a major impact on your life, you should apologize. Consider bringing them flowers and tell them how much you really love them and that the thought of your not being together or friends just kills you. Alternatively you could prepare a candle-lite dinner to show how much you appreciate them.

Wikipedia does not have an article about tips and techniques of apologizing for royally fucking up. Fair enough. Google was helpful in that respect.

Though not helpful in helping me actually figure out how to make amends for being an idiot, an asshole, and a shameful excuse for a human being.

This was way beyond forgetting an anniversary… flowers and a candlelight dinner ain’t going to cut it.

#imfucked

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welcome_Freshmen

Welcome Freshmen is a television show that ran on Nickelodeon from 1991 to 1996. The show took place at Hawthorne High School with a group of high school students and a bumbling vice principal.

1991-1996? Wow. 15-20 years ago. I mean… no, I totally didn’t ever watch this. Not at all. I am not old.

NO I AM NOT CRYING I JUST HAVE DUST IN MY EYE

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhetorical_question

“Is the Pope Catholic?” redirects here. For the minority view that the Pope is not Catholic, see Sedevacantism.

Ex.: What kind of person is dumb enough that they need to actually look this up on Wikipedia?

People who are suddenly stricken with the existential crisis of not being sure if they referenced it correctly in a pun-based joke and thereby ruined their street cred, that’s who.

For the record… Correct Usage in Joke: 1 for 1.

Correct Usage in This Post: 0 for 1.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Men_and_a_Little_Lady

A third film, tentatively titled Three Men and a Bride, is in development. Guttenberg, Danson and Selleck have all been approached by Disney to return.

WHUT

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Bieber#Early_life

Bieber’s mother, Pattie Mallette, was 18 years old when she became pregnant with her son.

Someone told me the Biebz’s mother was 16 when he was born. 18 isn’t much higher. Makes me rethink that whole “stay in school, don’t be a teen mother, go to college and get a job” thing.

Then again, that “get knocked up and give birth to Justin Bieber” thing isn’t such a reliable strategy. It might end up less “Baby” and more Rosemary’s Baby.

P.S. This is still my favorite tumblr ever: http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Clan_of_the_Cave_Bear

Ever get a cocky message from someone on one of those dating websites who references something obscure in their profiles along the lines of “Extra points if you know what _____ is… without Googling it! ;)” and then you Google it because really, that’s obnoxious, and then you find out it’s a character in a book you used to make fun of your 6th grade friend for reading and that was made into a shitty ’80s movie with Daryl Hannah?

Yeah, me either.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patti_Stanger

The millionaire matchmaker candidates “submit a tiny biographical sketch on a DVD, similar to that of any Jeopardy contestant on-air bio.”

Somehow, I doubt those bios are similar in anything except structure.

Friend: “Dude, that chick’s, like, 50.”

Me: “What?! there’s no way she’s in her fifties.”

Looks like I was *technically* right…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_Bless_the_USA

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/URL_redirection#Techniques

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollaback_Girl#Writing_and_inspiration

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-Around