Things I Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micronesia

Micronesia is a subregion of Oceania, comprising thousands of small islands in the western Pacific Ocean. It is distinct from Melanesia to the south, and Polynesia to the east. The Philippines lie to the west, and Indonesia to the southwest.

I’m going to come right out and admit that I don’t know jack shit about geography of the Pacific Islands. Ok, maybe a little bit more than jack shit… queen shit? King shit? But nothing more than the bare minimum required to not be considered deplorably ignorant.

I at least also know where Indonesia and the Philippines are, and I’ve heard of places like Guam, but if you want anything more specific than that… I’m fucked. I’ve never traveled anywhere in that direction beyond Hawaii, and I’ve never had a good reason to bone up on my knowledge, being a typical kid raised and educated in the good ole’ U S of A.

Do not mistake my candor for indifference: my ignorance does not imply that I consider myself better than the residents of that region.

Which is more than I can say for some people.

Take this recent exchange between friends:

“You know who the ugliest people in the world are?”

“…um. Ok. Who?”

“Micronesians.”

“……………WHAT THE FUCK???! Have you even ever met any Micronesians?”

“Nope, but just do a Google Image search for ‘Micronesian people,’ and tell me they’re not the ugliest people you’ve ever seen.”

I swear to god this conversation happened. In fact, it happened in a hot tub, so we couldn’t immediately investigate this dubious claim of his (though a subsequent Google Image Search for ‘Micronesian people’ did nothing to dispel the dubiousness). I at least could address the follow-up question of “And where the fuck is Micronesia, anyway?”, having recently Wikipedia’d it for reasons I don’t remember. (I have a feeling it had something to do with figuring out where the fuck Oceania is.)

Also, I stopped watching Survivor after the second season, or else I might have known that the 16th season of the show was Survivor: Micronesia. I don’t apologize for that.

So now, at least, I’m confident I know where Micronesia is (even if I recognize only one of its constituent islands*), and I’m confident that Micronesian people are not any uglier than the rest of world, at least according to Google—who never lies, right?

What I never figured out, though, was why he was googling “Micronesian People” in the first place. I guess that will have to wait until the next drunken Palm Springs hot tub party.

With apologies to Micronesians everywhere,

Things I Wikipedia

*Banaba, an outlier of  Kiribati; Gilbert Islands, which forms part of Kiribati; Mariana Islands, politically divided between the United States territories of Guam and the  Northern Mariana Islands; Marshall Islands (United States territories)[and the one I recognize]; Caroline Islands, politically divided between Palau and the Federated States of Micronesia; Nauru; Wake Island, a United States Minor Outlying Island

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aar

History

The river’s name may be attested to [sic] in the Gaulish (Helvetic) Berne zinc tablet which dates back to Roman Gaul. Its Roman name was Obringa.

All well and good—but did the river ever have PIRATES???!

[audience boo]

Right. Probably not… but it fucking has BEARS.

ggrrrrrraaaaaAAR!!!

[audience boo]

N.B. Alternate spelling: AARE. Useful for crossword puzzles.

Image source: http://nobeatenpath.com/2010/08/03/bern/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_nice

Syl Jones suggests that Minnesota nice isn’t really about being “nice” at all. It’s more about keeping up appearances, maintaining the social order, and keeping people in their place.

When I was growing up, my mother (who is not from Minnesota, but may as well be) used to rant on and on about the importance of being a “nice” person as opposed to a “weird” one. “Nice” people are polite people who use place mats when they eat, who never “make trouble” or “call attention to themselves” in public, who comb their hair and put themselves together before leaving the house, who do not dress “strangely,” who drink and eat in moderation, who always do what they are told without questioning, and who never, ever volunteer information about themselves or their family members to others.

“Weird” people, on the other hand, do things like fly across the country without telling anyone, pierce as many face holes as possible, hang out with porn stars on the weekends, get 80% of their calories from cheap vodka and high alcohol content beer, and make blogs. Lots and lots of blogs.

I think I’m doing a decent job of keeping it weird.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_dollar#Value

The dollar has been as high as US $2.78, reached on 11 July 1864 after the United States had temporarily abandoned the gold standard.

Protip for Americans: When flipping through a Canadian magazine, prices are likely to be in Canadian dollars.

Don’t panic.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Ball,_Pennsylvania

The name, though often considered sexually suggestive, has a thoroughly respectable origin

Heh. Sure it does.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_members_of_the_Commonwealth_of_Nations

Android User/British Citizen: “I was right. All the members are former British colonies or dependents of colonies, and there are 54 of them total. Australia, New Zealand, Canada, a bunch of African countries and islands… “

Blackberry User/American Citizen: “India?”

AU/BC: “Yep. Here, have a look, I’m not going to read them all out.”

BU/AC: “Dashing good show, chum! Shall we partake in another tipple, then?”

AU/BC: “Do you need to ask?”

——

Fun facts: Mozambique and Rwanda are actually the only two members that were never under British rule. Fiji’s membership has been suspended due to a coup, Zimbabwe was suspended and then withdrew its membership (aka, you can’t fire me—I quit!), and Ireland, one of the founding members, got the hell out of dodge in 1949 after it became a republic. Also, the Commonwealth nations have a combined population of 2.1 million people, 1.7 million of whom live in India, and 94% of whom live in Asia and Africa combined.

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What’s going on here?

Follow the rabbit trail!

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Ed. Note: This project is clearly taxing me. I’m ignoring my previous time commitment estimates and am just going to keep it going until it runs its course. Don’t everyone thank me all at once.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sieges_of_Constantinople

This city took it up the butt more often than Jenna Jameson.

You might say it got the works. Back before it was Istanbul.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_House_Situation_Room

Y’know, crazy technology and national security and that kind of stuff. Nothing to do with this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argleton