http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_Order_of_Odd_Fellows
The command of the IOOF is to “visit the sick, relieve the distressed, bury the dead and educate the orphan.”
One might expect the “people are strange” tag to be apt for a group of people deeming themselves “Odd Fellows.”
But one would unfortunately be incorrect in that assumption.
Assume, ass, you, me, etc.
Image courtesy of http://www.jacksonvilleor.us/?page_id=495
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aar
History
The river’s name may be attested to [sic] in the Gaulish (Helvetic) Berne zinc tablet which dates back to Roman Gaul. Its Roman name was Obringa.
All well and good—but did the river ever have PIRATES???!
[audience boo]
Right. Probably not… but it fucking has BEARS.
ggrrrrrraaaaaAAR!!!
[audience boo]
N.B. Alternate spelling: AARE. Useful for crossword puzzles.
Image source: http://nobeatenpath.com/2010/08/03/bern/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminine_rhyme
A feminine rhyme is a rhyme that matches two or more syllables, usually at the end of respective lines, in which the final syllable or syllables are unstressed.
Oh like, I dunno, say… MISS NANCY / AUNT FANCY ?!!!
I can’t stop myself!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bumbershoot
The name of the festival was taken from bumbershoot, a colloquial term for umbrella, probably coined in the 19th century a portmanteau of the words umbrella and parachute.
You can stand under my bumbershoot, ershoot, ershoot, ay, ay, ay….
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arbutus
Haha. It sounds like “butt.”
Also: damn you, NY Times Sunday crosswords.
Harissa is a Tunisian hot chili sauce commonly eaten in North Africa whose main ingredients are bird’s eye chili peppers, serrano peppers and other hot chillis and spices such as garlic paste, coriander, red chili powder, caraway as well as some vegetable or olive oil.
God, there’s nothing quite so embarrassing* than being at a hip gourmet eatery and realizing every dish on the menu contains one or more ingredients that you have never heard of. Thank god that mobile internet exists so that you can furiously Wikipedia all of these ingredients on your smartphone before the waitress comes back and you have to prove how much of a rube you are by asking her to please explain what these things are so you know what you’re about to put in your face.
For the record, the Harissa egg scramble with goat cheese, chives, and crispy onions was pretty good.
*This is a lie. There are an infinite number of things are more embarrassing.
(Source: Wikipedia)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_panic
[DSM-IV-TR] gives koro’s definition as “a term, probably of Malaysian origin, that refers to an episode of sudden and intense anxiety that the penis (or, in females, the vulva and nipples) will recede into the body and possibly cause death.”
…in general, Asians with complaints of genital retraction believe that the condition is fatal, unlike most Westerners.
Extreme Shrinkage? Oh come now. Let your Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy guide you—Don’t Panic!
To be fair, though, I’d probably rather die than have an innie penis.
Also, this: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-april-28-2008/penis-theft-panic-update
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caltrop
They may be thought of as the landmines of antiquity, useful to shape the battlefield and force the enemy into certain paths and approaches, or to provide a passive defense as part of a defensive works system.
Oh pish. The real “landmines of antiquity” were steaming piles of cow shit… AMIRIGHT?!!
Oh, but I am. Fun fact: the British Special Operations Executive, a secret offshoot of MI6 (the equivalent to the U.S. CIA, more or less) created during World War II, developed actual land mines that were disguised as piles of cow shit.
Ingenious… except nobody in their right mind goes out of their way to step on a pile of cow shit, right? (But then again, people are weird.) The exploding cigars the CIA developed for Fidel Castro in the 50’s seem like they’d be more effective than exploding piles of shit to me.* (But then again, he’s still alive.)
Anyexplodingpileofshitway… caltrops. New words excite me, and I’m glad to add this one to the arsenal in my brain. I’ve always just referred to them as “tire spikes,” which is indeed one of their modern uses, but is akin to calling a tissue a “snot rag.” Or a boner a “towel rack.” Or a banana a “laxative.”**
Uhh… boy, am I ever STRAIGHT FLUSHed*** thinking about all this. It’s just all so… stimulating.****
…
…
Or maybe it’s because I’m drunk.
——————————————————-
*Note to Self: That Wikipedia article on “Exploding Cigars” should probably be your next post.
**Note to Self: “Laxative” seems like a pretty good next post, too. WAIT, shit, you’re showing your hand—quick, bluff your way out of it!
***Note to Self: Smooth move, Ex-Lax. No wonder you never win at Poker Night.
****RRRRRRRRIMSHOT!
(Source: gatherer.wizards.com)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angel_dusting
the misleading marketing practice of including a minuscule amount of an active ingredient in a cosmetic, cosmeceutical, dietary supplement, food product, or nutraceutical, insufficient to cause any measurable benefit… However, no claim is made that the product contains enough of the active ingredient to have an effect – this is just assumed by the purchaser. Thus, while misleading, angel dusting is typically legal.
As opposed to angel dust-ing, which is… not.
*Baked with Real Fruit!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_dollar#Value
The dollar has been as high as US $2.78, reached on 11 July 1864 after the United States had temporarily abandoned the gold standard.
Protip for Americans: When flipping through a Canadian magazine, prices are likely to be in Canadian dollars.
Don’t panic.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ketchup#Early_uses_in_English
The spelling catsup seems to have appeared first from the pen of Jonathan Swift, in 1730.
My father (whom we affectionately refer to as “Old Man River”) insists on spelling ketchup “catsup.” I’ve always assumed this was just the old-fashioned way; considering he also often calls the refrigerator the “icebox” and glue “stickum,” that assumption seems pretty reasonable.
One time he called the parking meter a “time machine.” That was unintentional but hilarious all the same. I am proud to share chromosomes with this man.
I got to thinking (as I often do, while staring in the icebox) about the actual word “catsup.” Catsup does not even remotely look like it should be pronounced catch-up to me. I see cat-sup or cats-up. Cat sup is gelatinous meat byproduct that I dump into bowls for my cats to sup on. Cats-up is the rallying cry for the pro-feline movement. Cats up, dogs down!
Neither of which reminds me of a tomato-based condiment.
Oh, Catsup, Catsup, wherefore art thou Catsup? Wikipedia is minimally helpful in this quest. According to the article (which does not cite sources for this), the sauce called “ke-tsiap” was invented in China. A debate with multiple theories of origins apparently rages on concerning the actual name of the sauce, but by the late 17th century it had come to be known as ketchup or catchup. Jonathan Swift (author of A Modest Proposal, my all-time favorite works of literature), in the following quote from A Panegyrick on the Dean, appears to have introduced the spelling in question into the popular consciousness:
And, for our home-bred British cheer, Botargo, catsup, and caveer.
That’s all Wikipedia has to offer, on that end.
World Wide Words (another favorite website of mine besides Wikipedia) is more helpful. It’s a neat little article with fun facts such as early ketchups contained no tomatoes, instead using ingredients like anchovies, mushrooms, and walnuts. And “catsup” appears to be merely J. Swift’s corruption of “catchup,” much like how “caveer” is a corruption of “caviar.” But in the end, who knows?
Boy, I’m sure glad I spent an hour and a half on this whole endeavor! Somebody make me a goddamn burger.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_ceremony_participants#Origin_and_history
I went to a wedding of a dear friend over the weekend. I was not asked to be a bridesmaid, which would have entailed me buying an expensive purple dress, coordinating such activities as decorating personalized wine glasses for a bachelorette wine-tasting trip to Napa Valley, and standing mute in front of everyone at the ceremony. And smiling.
Instead, I was asked to write something special for the bride and groom to say at the ceremony itself. This arrangement was agreeable to, and appreciated by, all parties involved.
Despite having several moments in which I was tempted to let my true colors show (“Hmm, what rhymes with ‘course?’ I know… DIVORCE!!”), the poem I wrote turned out to be appropriate, optimistic, and damn good, if I do say so myself. And I do. Nothing scandalous at all; I figured I’d compensate by getting hammered at the reception and disgracing my family. Which I did.
On the car ride home, another of my good friends (who happened to be a bridesmaid) mentioned that she’d heard a story about how the bridesmaid tradition came to be: bridesmaids were decoys, dressing in all white like the bride herself, to thwart any attempted kidnappings. I scoffed and said, “Fie. TO THE INTERNETS!” (a 5x daily utterance). Turns out, said story was half right in two different ways: the decoys were meant to distract evil spirits in Roman times, and many cultures have a bridal “kidnapping” tradition. My favorite is the Ukrainian one:
In Ukraine a best man is responsible for guarding the bride during the wedding festivities. When he or the groom steps away, the bride gets “kidnapped” or has a shoe stolen. Then the groom or the best man must pay a ransom in exchange for returning the bride, usually by paying money (which is given to the bride) or by doing something embarrassing.
I’d make a good Ukrainian groom… I have no problem with embarrassing myself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meterology#Meteorologists
“Many radio and television weather forecasters are professional meteorologists, while others are merely reporters with no formal meteorological training.”
You don’t say…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QWERTY
Their adjustments included placing the “R” key in the place previously allotted to the full stop, thus enabling salesmen to impress customers by pecking out the brand name “TYPE WRITER” from one keyboard row.
Does not so much fall into the category of “Cool Topics of Conversation to Hit on Someone at a Bar With.”
But, to be fair, I do give off that kind of vibe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Tso%27s_chicken
“Moreover, descendants of General Tso still living in Xiangyin, when interviewed, say that they have never heard of such a dish.”
That would be Zuo Zongtang, renowned Chinese statesman and general who helped crush the Christian Taiping Rebellion (~1860). He also failed his official court exams seven times as a teenager.
See, kids? Persevere, and one day you’ll get your name on a dish in another culture’s crappy version of your own cuisine. Shoot for the stars.
