Things I Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Justin_Timberlake#Relationships

In the August 9–15, 2008 edition of Heat magazine, when Timberlake was asked to describe his perfect woman, he replied “About 5’7” -5’8”, nice butt, Midwestern American, kind-of-German last name, green eyes, big pouty lips, fair skin, ahhh….sinewy bod…”

Oh god. I can’t even. I just can’t.

Why am I even reading this in the first place?

The world may never know. (e.g. I’LL NEVER TELLLLL!!!)

*

Image courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davian_behavior

There was an old miner named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You have to admit
He hadn’t much wit
But look at the money he saved!

Davian behavior is, essentially, sex with a corpse—and is actually named after this limerick.

Are you kidding me?

Apparently not. “Davian behavior” has been observed in ground squirrels, frogs, praying mantises, and mallards. In regards to the latter:

[Dutch researcher] Moeliker surmised that at the time of the collision with the window the two mallards were engaged in a common pattern in duck behavior which is playfully called “rape flight”. “When one died the other one just went for it and didn’t get any negative feedback — well, didn’t get any feedback,” according to Moeliker. This is the first recorded case of necrophilia in the mallard duck- though not the only recorded case of homosexuality within the bird family.

Wow, let’s hope Rick Santorum doesn’t hear about that one, or we’ll never hear the end of it.

In humans, of course, this behavior is called “necrophilia,” and is classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders of the American Psychiatric Association as a paraphilia: sexual arousal by atypical situations that “cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Other paraphilias include pedophilia (kids), zoophilia (animals), and coprophilia (feces). [*Not to be confused with coprophagia or coprolalia.]

Side Note: The current paraphilia criteria also include exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadomasochism, fetishism, and transvestitism—which many (including me) would argue do not necessarily cause distress or impairment of functioning in society. And let’s not overlook the fact that homosexuality was classified as a paraphilia up until 1973.

Sigh.

Regardless… most of us can agree that having sex with a dead body is—in layman’s terms—pretty fucked up.

Necrophilia is actually broken down into  a 10-tier spectrum. According to Wikipedia, these tiers are:

1. Role players
2. Romantic necrophiles
3. People having a necrophilic fantasy – necrophilic fantasizers
4. Tactile necrophiles
5. People having a sexual fetish for the dead – fetishistic necrophiles
6. People having a necromutilomania – necromutilomaniacs [arousal via dissection of a corpse]
7. Opportunistic necrophiles
8. Regular necrophiles
9. Homicidal necrophiles
10. Exclusive necrophiles.

I didn’t really want to go into the specifics of these. I’m not sure my life will be enhanced by knowing what “tactile necrophilia” entails, or more about “homicidal necrophiles.”

Your kink is not my kink.

I am inordinately fascinated by other people. *

That doesn’t mean I like them. I’m just driven by an obsessive interest in how other people live: how they fill their hours, what scandals and drama weigh them down, what lifts their hearts up, what they eat for breakfast. Whether or not they’re gay, aggressively gay, closeted gay, or somewhere in the middle. I’m the kind of person who will look through your medicine cabinets not because I’m trying to find anything scandalous, but because I’m curious as to how you organize your toiletries. Because maybe there’s a better way out there that I’m unaware of. Or maybe I’d like to assess precisely how anal you are. Or maybe I’m going to find your Valtrex and blackmail you.

No, seriously, I don’t give a shit about your Valtrex. I’m more interested in banal details like whether or not your Q-Tips are accessible.

This warped obsession with human details means I spend more time than I should reading about other people. As soon as I start in on an article, everything falls apart. Do I know who this guy is? Ok, but do I *really* know who he is? Of course not. What other movies has he been in? How’d he get famous in the first place? What’s his real name? Ooh, there’s mention of an ex-wife… what’s her name? What’s her story? Who wrote this article, anyway—what’s his deal? And so on. And once I’m balls-deep in Wikipediaty, there’s no stopping me. Links lead to other links that lead to other links and so on and so forth for hours and hours… staring at my computer screen until my head feels like it’s going to explode.

That thing people say about curiosity killing the cat? Substitute “cat” with “productivity,” and you’re spot on.

Recent Biographical Wikipedia Articles I Have Accessed:

J. Edgar Hoover : “[historian David K. Johnson] views Rosenstiel as a liar who was paid for her story, whose ‘description of Hoover in drag engaging in sex with young blond boys in leather while desecrating the Bible is clearly a homophobic fantasy.’”

Sandra Bernhard (Quote): “My father was a proctologist and my mother was an abstract artist, so that’s how I view the world.”

Tupac Shakur : “Shakur’s body was cremated and some of his ashes were later mixed with marijuana and smoked by members of the Outlawz.” 

Wyclef Jean : “Although his birth date was widely given as October 17, 1972, papers filed for his run as a candidate for the presidency of Haiti, disclosed that he was, in fact, born in 1969.”

Avril Lavigne (Quote): “I won’t wear skanky clothes that show my booty, my belly or my boobs. I have a great body.”

Coen Brothers : “Joel then spent four years in the undergraduate film program at New York University where he made a 30-minute thesis film called Soundings. The film depicted a woman engaged in sex with her deaf boyfriend while verbally fantasizing about having sex with her boyfriend’s best friend, who is listening in the next room. Ethan went on to Princeton University and earned an undergraduate degree in philosophy in 1979.His senior thesis was a 41-page essay, ‘Two Views of Wittgenstein’s Later Philosophy’.”

Prahlad Jani : “After fifteen days of observation during which he reportedly did not eat, drink or go to the toilet, all medical tests on Jani were reported as normal and researchers described him as being in better health than someone half his age. The doctors reported that although the amount of liquid in Jani’s bladder fluctuated and that Jani appeared ‘able to generate urine in his bladder’, he did not pass urine.”

Otto Van Bismarck (Quote): “One day the great European War will come out of some damned foolish thing in the Balkans.”

Alia Shawkat : “In October 2009, it was announced that Shawkat, Har Mar, and fellow Whip It co-star Page would produce and write a show for HBO called ‘Stitch N’ Bitch.’”

Carl Sandburg : “In Neshaminy School District of lower Bucks County resides the secondary institution Carl Sandburg Middle School. Located in the lobby is a finished split tree trunk with the quote engraved lengthwise horizontally: MAN IS BORN WITH RAINBOWS IN HIS HEART AND YOU’LL NEVER READ HIM UNLESS YOU CONSIDER RAINBOWS”

Kemp Muhl : “She is dating Sean Lennon, with whom she is involved in a musical project, titled ‘The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger’.”

Aimee Crocker : “The breakup of Aimée’s first marriage became a national scandal. Porter and his brother, Sydney, kidnapped daughter Gladys in Los Angeles, while Aimée and her mother attended a wedding. Charges and countercharges made daily news during the custody battle, and courthouse proceedings attracted a crowd of hundreds. In spite of Porter’s reputation as a notorious gambler, in spite of his kidnapping charge and a weapons charge, and in spite of the Crocker millions, the little girl’s mother would not be awarded custody. Aimée, it seems, had the worse reputation.”

Lotta Crabtree : “Lotta’s mother served as her manager and collected all of Lotta’s earnings in gold, carrying it in a large leather bag. When this became too heavy, it was transferred to a steamer trunk.”

Bernie Ecclestone : “He was then married to Slavica Ecclestone (née Slavica Radić) for almost 25 years. Radić was born in the town of Rijeka in Croatia in the Federal People’s Republic of Yugoslavia in 1958. She is a 6’2” (1.88 m) former Armani model who is 28 years his junior, and 11.5 inches (29 cm) taller than her husband.”

Roseanne Barr : “At 16, Barr was hit by a car that left her with a traumatic brain injury. Her behavior changed so radically that she was institutionalized for eight months at Utah State Hospital.”

Vladimir Nabokov : “During the 1940s, as a research fellow in zoology, he was responsible for organizing the butterfly collection of the Museum of Comparative Zoology at Harvard University.”

Lash LaRue: “A role as the villain in a pornographic western, Hard on the Trail, led him to repentance as a missionary for ten years, as he had not been informed of the adult nature of the film and would not have consented to appear in the film.”

* Not necessarily by Justin Bieber.

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Google, how dare you imply that my blog has contracted ADULT SEXUAL AIDS.. I, its author, have been certified HIV-negative within the past 7 days. SLANDER!

OK, but to be fair… yeah.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_panic

[DSM-IV-TR] gives koro’s definition as “a term, probably of Malaysian origin, that refers to an episode of sudden and intense anxiety that the penis (or, in females, the vulva and nipples) will recede into the body and possibly cause death.”

…in general, Asians with complaints of genital retraction believe that the condition is fatal, unlike most Westerners.

Extreme Shrinkage? Oh come now. Let your Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy guide you—Don’t Panic!

To be fair, though, I’d probably rather die than have an innie penis.

Also, this: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-april-28-2008/penis-theft-panic-update

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Figging

Figging is the practice of inserting a piece of ginger root into the anus, vagina or male urethra.

You don’t need to know why I was looking this up on Wikipedia. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robot_fetishism

As realistic androids and humanoid robots do not currently exist in a form readily available to the consumer, this fetish can only be acted upon in a limited number of ways. Primarily this is done through fantasy, involving either self stimulation or sexual roleplaying with a partner.

One day, my robot prince will come…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape_drug#Types_of_drugs

Some assailants have committed “rapes of convenience” whereby they have assaulted a victim after he or she had become unconscious from drinking too much.

C’mon baby, don’t be afraid
if it wasn’t for date rape I’d never get laid.*

Drink responsible-like, kids! It’s a scary world out there.

Also, I apologize for the lack of posts lately. The internet has been down at my house (CURSE YOU VERIZON!), and I feel like someone cut off my oxygen.

*Ed. Note: Not true.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wartenberg_wheel

Because of hygienic concerns, these devices are hardly used any more.

The Wartenberg wheel is also used as a sex toy.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer all my sex toys to be questionably hygienic.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Predicament_bondage

This type of bondage is used in BDSM and power exchange play. A form of edge play, it puts the subject between “a rock and a hard place” in having to choose or alternate between the two positions, each of which carry their own pain.

…or you might say, between a cock and a hard place.

HEYOOOOOOOO!

Ed. Note: Pic is not relevant, besides the fact that it depicts a predicament (and a hairy one, at that!). We’re keeping the pics clean here, kids.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NAMBLA

NAMBLA publications include:

• NAMBLA Bulletin, a quarterly publication sent to dues-paying members. In 1996 co-founder David Thorstad complained that, “The Bulletin is turning into a semi-pornographic jerk-off mag for pedophiles.” Other members insisted that the group only had a minority who were pedophiles, with the majority being pederasts.


• Gayme Magazine, a publication mailed periodically to dues-paying members and sold at some bookstores. It was a periodical published by NAMBLA during the 1990s that became involved in obscenity lawsuits.


• TOPICS, a series of booklets providing more focused consideration of issues related to “man-boy love”


• Arrel’s Pages, a project through which literature concerning “man-boy love” was sold


• A prison newsletter

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keni_Styles

That thing that everyone always says about Asian guys and their equipment? It’s a myth.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ana%C3%AFs_Nin

“In 1947, at the age of 44, she met and began living with Rupert Pole (1919–2006), sixteen years her junior. On March 17, 1955, she married him at Quartzsite, Arizona, returning with Pole to live in California.[8] Guiler remained in New York City and was unaware of Nin’s second marriage until after her death in 1977.”

Pioneer of confessional diaries, female erotica, and empowered sexuality. Nin: Makin’ it cool to be a lady, since 1903.